The Proverbs 31 Woman
I am starting a new post because for some reason my replies and comments are not posting. So, I will try this. I am responding to Dawn’s comment regarding the Proverbs 31 woman.
The Proverbs 31 woman – the woman every man wants even though many of those men are really not worthy of this woman.
I met my husband online. We were both on a christian singles site where this subject of the Proverbs 31 woman was the topic of many discussions and debates, and, more often than not, led to heated arguments in the discussion forum. Usually the women were the ones getting heated up. Just like you say you do. Just like I used to. I would say about 70-80% of the men’s profiles that I looked at stated they were looking for the Proverbs 31 woman. It infuriated me when I would get to know some of these men in the discussion forums and discover they couldn’t hold a job, or they were always at odds with someone in their life, they treated women as beneath themselves, and on and on. It irritated me to no end that God would put this sort of pressure on women and not ask men to do, or be, anything special.
One day, as I read Proverbs 31 again, for the umpteenth time, trying to figure out how all that this woman accomplishes is humanly possible for one person, I realized that there is also a Proverbs 31 man in this chapter. Granted, not as much is said about him but when considering the culture in which this was written it became apparent to me that this man is something extremely special. And he deserves the Proverbs 31 woman. I realized that the crazy, twisted up, society we live in had me looking at this all wrong.
The verses that give me a picture of the Proverbs 31 man are: 3, 4, 5, 8, 9, 11, 23, 28.
In this particular case he is royalty so he and his wife would lack nothing to begin with. Poverty, or even just financial pressures, are nonexistent.
He is not a drunkard and he does not pervert justice. This tells me he takes his responsibilities seriously, doesn’t get carried away with partying, drinking doesn’t rule his life, and he is in some position of power or influence. He is not just an overgrown child.
He stands up for the innocent, the poor, the needy, those who have no voice. He is a fair judge of people and treats them with kindness and compassion. This takes wisdom, strength, and confidence.
He has complete trust in his wife. There is nothing uglier, in my opinion, than a man who distrusts his wife. He trusts her, therefore he does not control her. He believes in her and stands in support of her and all that she does. More wisdom here.
He is a well respected figure in the community – he sits among the elders at the gate. He praises his wife, speaks only good of her. Her children call her blessed. If her husband did not bless her they likely would not either. How many times do we hear a husband brag to friends about what a wonderful wife he has? It happens but not that often.
Even in the verses about the things this woman does we can get a glimpse of the sort of husband she has. She has her own money from some of the work she does. She spends her money how she sees fit, as an investment or to grow her business, and her husband does not interfere with her decisions. She has maidservants. They can afford to have hired help.
When I consider the man in this chapter I see a good man who loves and values his wife above all else. He loves her as Yehovah loves His people. He is very deserving of this woman.
A quick reading, and listening to men preach sermons on this chapter, it sounds like there is a litany of things that women are expected to accomplish in order to be considered worthy. Let’s just face facts: many women in our culture work full time jobs outside the home to help pay the bills. The Proverbs 31 woman has her own business but she is not slaving away for someone else for half the waking hours of her life.
Putting the Proverbs 31 woman into perspective:
Think about how each of these traits are accomplished by women in our society every day.
She respects her husband and allows nothing to gain a toehold in diminishing that respect – this is how a wife protects her husband and her marriage.
She is an early riser, she gathers food (shopping, gardening, however) for her household.
She cares about her hired help.
She invests her own money in order to turn a profit.
She is a strong woman in more ways than one.
She works hard to make sure her family’s needs are being met (clothing) and she sells some of the clothing she makes.
She cares for the poor and provides for them as she is able.
She is careful and wise with her words.
She is kind.
She protects her family.
She is not lazy.
And the the most important element that makes all of this possible – she fears (and obeys) Yehovah.
When I break it down like this, I don’t see this woman as any kind of superwoman, at least not the way I used to, but rather a woman of good character. She is honest, hardworking, loving, compassionate, and lives to honor Yehovah.
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October 24, 2019 at 8:54 pm /
Hi, Edie.
Thank you for your very thoughtful response to my rant. What a blessing for you to be able to see this so differently than I still do, even after your wonderful post.
I’ve noticed that there is a Proverbs 31 man here, too but I think there are a couple of reasons he can be ignored. First, he is listed as a king, not an average man so, I think, men can ignore him because he’s not like them. Second, Christian Bibles have headings. The heading in the NASB for the Proverbs 31 man simply says “The Words of Lemuel” rather than something like, “Description of a Worthy Man”. I used that verbiage because the heading for the Proverbs 31 Woman is “Description of a Worthy Woman”. Quite a significant difference.
Perhaps there’s an agenda here. Most headings in Christian Bibles lead me to that conclusion, and perhaps that’s what the problem with this chapter. Whether or not this is the case, I still feel the pressure to “do it all and be all” to everyone in the my life.
I’m glad one “XX person” (as my boss likes to say) has escaped the feeling of being unworthy when she compares herself to this “worthy woman” (as the NASB calls her). Maybe someday I’ll escape it, too.
Shalom.
October 24, 2019 at 11:51 pm /
Yeah, my change in perspective didn’t happen overnight, that’s for sure.
When I look at what this woman does I still see every working mother in our world today. Working mothers go out and work nearly half their waking hours outside the home, getting up before daybreak to pack lunches and get everyone ready for work and school, often shuttling kids to school in the morning, and they fall into bed late at night after everything is done for the day. They do feed and clothe their families (by doing the shopping and cooking – how fun is back to school shopping? It’s probably not fun). Many women manage their own money even when married, in households that have separate finances. Many women manage the family finances when they have joint finances. My husband and I always had separate finances until he had a stroke and I had to take over on his behalf so now we have joint finances. How money is managed these days is really a decision made by both people in a marriage.
The Proverbs 31 woman doesn’t work a full-time job outside the home and then go home and work a full-time job inside the home. She does one of those. That is all. And she has personal servants. I don’t know what a woman’s personal servants did then but I would guess they cleaned, helped or did the cooking, looked after the kids, did the laundry, and other sundry chores. So, the woman of the house could freely go do the things she wanted to without being bogged down with the daily grind of scrubbing toilets and mopping floors.
Most of the women in the fellowship I attend are stay-at-home mothers or stay-at-home wives. I am the only married woman in our fellowship who works full time outside the home. I see all the wonderful, amazing things the other women accomplish even while raising their children. They home school, raise livestock, donate time and resources to various causes, shop, cook, clean, garden, put up their own food, they come up with wonderful ideas on how to give back to those who do so much for the fellowship, they organize birthday luncheons for the women (always on a weekday when I can’t make it), and on and on. They look like wonder women. However, they are not away from home for 45+ hours every week in addition to maintaining a household and a marriage. Working at a job makes a huge difference in what someone can accomplish. If I had my druthers, I would be a stay-at-home wife and I would get a lot more accomplished than I do now and maybe I could be half the woman the Proverbs 31 woman is. That is not the life Yehovah had in store for me though. He is refining me in a different manner.
Also, just as Lemuel is a king, this woman is the woman being described to Lemuel by his mother as the ideal wife FOR a king. Scratch out the headings and you can see the entire chapter consists of the teachings of Lemuel’s mother. There is no separation between how she is telling him a king/prince needs to behave and describing the ideal wife for that same king/prince.
I agree about the captions in the christian bibles. I have begun crossing out the ones that are false. They are misleading and they are intended to make us see what we expect to see rather than what it really says. It has taken me a number of years to stop feeling like women were created to BE inferior to men…. to understand that the instructions in Torah pertaining to women are for the benefit of women but we misunderstand them. Truth has been so twisted and manipulated.
I have heard this chapter is an allegory – that Israel is the woman. I am not good at seeing allegories because I take the scriptures very literally, so I don’t know if that is true or not. I have not looked into it but only heard it mentioned.
October 25, 2019 at 9:30 am /
I am just sorry that chapter 31 makes women feel the way you do. I understand why because I was there, too, but I really believe it is because of how it has been taught and pushed in christendom. Unlearning the lies takes time and it’s why we are here, or at least why I am here, to continue unlearning the lies.
October 27, 2019 at 8:03 am /
I’m trying again this morning to post my response. It wouldn’t post yesterday.
Agreed, Edie. I started reading the Bible while ignoring the chapter, verse and heading divisions about 4 or 5 years ago. That’s what lead me to a Messianic congregation, which introduced me to Nehemia Gordon, which led me to Keith Johnson and BFA Int’l. I started using the JPS translation a couple of years ago and since starting The Readers of the Book Club, The Israel Bible, too. I still use Christian Bibles for comparison, but the Jewish translations are my favorite. Of course, since I can recognize some Hebrew words now, I can see some significant agendas in those, too. ?
The TIB had a commentary that mentioned the idea that this is a metaphor for the land of Israel, but I really don’t think it is, unless the first lines about the king are a metaphor for Yehovah. Plus, why would Bathsheba be describing the land of Israel if she were trying to explain to Solomon what he needed to be looking for in a wife? And why would she talk about wine interfering with judgement if the opening lines were about Yehovah? I just can’t agree with that interpretation.
Your life seems pretty complicated. I work outside my home, too so that my husband can help his dad (my mom-in-law died 9 years ago so 7 years ago we moved down here to do this). He does have a small business on the side helping people in our community who can no longer take care of their homes like they did when they were younger and have no one else to help. He also takes people to various appointments (usually doctor’s appointments) when they can’t drive themselves anymore. He brings in a little money but for the most part, it’s volunteer work. He has a good heart. ? Like you said, though, working 45+ hours outside the home doesn’t leave a whole lot of time to emulate what the Proverb 31 Woman does.
I don’t have a group to fellowship with where I live. I just don’t fit in anywhere because my beliefs are so vastly different from theirs, and since I live in a relatively small community, there aren’t a lot of options. I consider this “my fellowship” and I’m glad to have The Readers of the Book Club for 2019.
As a completely off-topic question, how did you upload a picture? I’ve tried to find the option and haven’t been able to locate it.
I want to thank you for engaging with me on this topic. I’ve never felt comfortable venting my feelings about this proverb and wasn’t sure what the reaction would be here. I’m incredibly grateful for your thoughtful, open and caring responses.
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